Chastity before marriage.
Unyime-Ivy King.
We live in a society where sex sells. It is promoted everywhere, in ads, music, on TV, and radio. It is considered cool to ‘try’ out marriage as live-in- lovers before the real exchange of marital vows. Thus, finding couples, who chose the path of chastity before walking down the aisle, is an exception, rather than the rule. Is this feat possible? Mr. and Mrs. Abiodun Ogunjobi, prove it can be done, and share how they were able to make it to the altar without tasting the ‘forbidden fruit.’
Abiodun’s story:
I am a 1997 graduate of chemistry from the University of Lagos, and a staff with the Fountain of Life church, where I work as the web content manager for pastor Taiwo Odukoya’s Discovery for Men, program. I met my wife, Ayotunde, at the singles fellowship in church, through a mutual friend. As at that time, nothing was happening between us, because I was in another relationship, and I considered her a platonic friend. However, that relationship was riddled with lots of altercations and the woman involved, was unsure of what she wanted, so, we broke it off. Prior to this, I had become born again whilst in the secondary school and I can trace the formation of my values to those days. Becoming born again helps one to appreciate real values. I developed close friendships with about 3-4 people, who shared similar values, and we grew together, learning, and teaching others. In those days, we did not know much about Christianity, but we formed a club and made some rules like: no smoking, no breaking of bounds, we must be clean boys, etc. We grew through the process, and I was in that community for 6 years. With this orientation, I went off to university and steered clear of relationships; I intentionally made up my mind not to date anyone. Not that I did not have female friends, but the message I sent out was that, ‘I like you, but that is how far it goes.’ I wanted to find my life’s direction first, before bringing anyone on board. I remember going for counseling, when I was getting attracted to a particular girl, to confess that I was ‘feeling a feeling’ that I had never felt before! It was around 2002/2003, that I began to think seriously of marriage. Frankly, marrying a virgin, because I was one, was not one of my criteria for a wife, because, I felt that one’s past did not matter, as long as one was in Christ. I was however glad when I later discovered that I had married a virgin, and her value in my eyes, went a notch higher. It was like, we had a coalition of values. I wanted a beautiful wife, like my wife, a like-minded person, who would not place lesser values on my core values, someone on the same page with me. I began to think of girls who had made a strong impression on me, and Ayotunde’s name came to mind. I intimated a friend-my accountability partner, and he encouraged me to make a move. By this time, she was serving in Kwara state, but we had developed a healthy friendship, and we talked a lot. When I made up my mind to take the friendship to the next level, I began asking personal questions, to know her better. We courted for about a year, and 8 months and I realized that sexual pressure is part and parcel of relationships because, you will have feelings of intimacy that you want to explore, but you have to learn how to handle it. Our society is over sexed and at every turn, one is bombarded with sexual images. We were able to find the source of the problem-our thoughts-and to talk about it. If the mind is a temptation waiting to take place, it will find an opportunity, so, we needed to get strong in our minds. That made the temptation easier to deal with. Even after marriage, you try not to destroy what you built in courtship, by adultery. This is where the word of God helps-it is a lethal cleansing agent. I was living alone at this time, while she lived with her older brothers. We addressed the issue of pre-marital sex, and after concluding that God was in our relationship, we decided to set limits. We made basic rules like: no hugging from the front, I was to visit more, since she did not live alone, and we met more at eateries and so on. I kissed my wife for the first time, at the marriage registry, after the registrar threatened that if we did not kiss, we would not get the certificate. Sex before marriage destroys trust, takes God out, and builds a guilty conscience. When you tell people ‘DON’T,’ give them healthy alternatives too, because there is a lot of energy in relationships, but it needs to be plunged in the right direction. In our case, we had a manual, a book called, “Before you say I do,” that we studied extensively, and couldn’t even exhaust, until after marriage. We attended the pre-marital counseling classes in House On The Rock-my wife was in HOTR- and pastors Tolu and Yinka Akinbami, gave us practical lectures on sex, and recommended 2 books on sex for us to read. They taught that class with the assumption that all the participants were virgins. I eagerly looked forward to our first night together, as man and wife. Regarding the sexual act, we had no platform to compare with, only our first night. Sex for us, did not start out like ‘whoa!’ We compare ourselves to what it used was before, and how we are getting better. A man is configured in such a way that he responds naturally, and that first experience, however, was cushioned by the comfort and security of marriage.
AYOTUNDE’S STORY:
I lost my parents at a very young age, and as the last child of the family, my older siblings disciplined and put me under check. I remember an incident when I was in secondary school and associating with a certain clique of girls. We waited one day to catch a lift back home and as a result, I got home very late. I got the beating of my life that day, and that put me in check. I got exposed to Christianity while staying with my cousins, but became serious with God in my senior year in the secondary school-an all girls school. My elder sister was always drumming it into my head that we had no parents, nobody to rely on, so, I turned to God. I faced pressures as a single, but developed the habit of talking to God when I felt tempted. During my teenage years, I went to live with my older brother, and joined the teenage church-this helped me to know how to handle my feelings. By the time I went to Lagos state University to read Business Administration, I was born again. There was this guy in my fellowship on campus-the leader-that I was becoming close to, and we could talk for hours. In fact, he had kissed me before-I told my husband this-but I remember late pastor Bimbo Odukoya teaching that ‘assumption is the lowest level of knowledge’ and that we should define every relationship. Thus, I went to the guy in question and asked for a clarification of the relationship. When he said that we were just friends, I cried! After that experience, I vowed not to get involved with any man, nor allow any man to kiss me until after marriage and I decided that I wouldn’t even marry, until maybe, after my Masters Degree program. After my NYSC program, I remember my sister telling me that at my age, she was already married with 2 kids. I had never taken any man home. She was always drumming it into my head that, her husband married her as a virgin, and was always harping on the fact that I needed to keep myself for my husband-which also helped me. When Abiodun started calling me, while I was away serving, I did not take him serious because I knew he was in a relationship with someone else. In fact, it was a day after Saint Valentine’s Day, when he called, that I got to know that his relationship had ended. After NYSC, I came back, but was not envisaging marriage immediately. Abiodun asked me out, and things went on from there. We were friends, and I liked him and used to admire the nice way he treated other people. He didn’t know I was watching him, so he could not have acted to impress me. I wanted a God-fearing man, who loves God because, if a man loves God, he will love you. I wanted a man who would be a prophet, a priest of our home. I was not looking for a man, who was a virgin, but when I found out that he was one, I found it amazing and thought, “So, there are still virgin guys around,” and was thankful that he would not compare my sexual performance to that of others. I knew a guy on campus, who was a virgin, and used to declare it openly that, that was what God’s word stipulated, and he did what the word said. I was naïve myself, and I never thought that something was wrong with him. Adam and Eve did not have prior sexual knowledge before they came together. I felt that God had honored me by giving me a virgin for a husband. During our courtship, I told Abiodun that I did not want any hugging from the front, because I knew myself, and the feelings that could ignite. Also, even if I was to visit him, we ensured that his younger brother was around, but I will not down play the part of God’s word, helping to keep us pure; the word of God also had a place to help and I remember that we had a scripture that we held on to, about righteousness exalting a nation, and sin being a reproach to a people. Another thing that helped me was that, I had about 4 other friends, who were all virgins, and we all vowed to marry as virgins, thus, we were always checking up on each other. Those days, I used to like reading Mills and Boone’s novels, and I discovered that when I read them, and watched certain movies, I became aroused and I decided to stop because, garbage in, is garbage out. We also chose to be accountable to other people, like pastor Paul Adefarasin used to say of pastor Yemi and Amanda Amusan, that they were accountable to him, during their own courtship. I remember the pre-marital classes with the Akinbami’s. When they treated the topic of sex, it was an all night session; I remembered I slept part of the way. I refused to read the books on sex which they recommended. One was “The Act of Marriage” by the La Hayes. I told Abiodun that he could read them that I knew myself – I’d be aroused-I got to read those books after marriage. I would say compared to our first night together, that sex is a lot better now. Some of my virgin friends, who married after us, called and said that I had not told them that the first night would be that painful. Sex is a growing process and we are building on what started that first night.
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Eden, but we can strive on a daily, to be consistent/true in our dealings and actions. Let us not take the cheap option.
